You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2006.
Cigarettes and cool glass of water
The hum of the pc
I’ve been sitting here 20 minutes wondering
What is he doing
Does he think about me
I really need to give up smoking
and move on
Time
It’s not static
Time
It’s not patient
Time
Changes everything and heals all wounds
Our relationship is very special. I can’t exactly put my finger on what it is about us that connects but I’ve learned to stop asking and just enjoy his friendship. We seem to lead parallel lives he and I. At the moment, we are both suffering through a depression that springs from a yearning for something we can’t name. It’s not about sex or love although somewhere in what is lacking those things play a smaller part. It’s more about being fulfilled and finding meaning in our lives.
I don’t know why the universe has thrown us together and what I thought was romantic love is turning ot to familial love. It’s not like feeling he is my brother, more like he is a kindred spirit that goes beyond family but is not sexual in any way. We thought it was that way and who knows what would happen if we ever had a week together but in all honesty, my feelings have changed. He is my twin and I love him to bits, he is my compadre, my mentor and my muse.
I hope he finds what he is looking for as much as I hope I do.
It’s been a quiet month thus far. I’ve not been blogging or doing anything much really.
My sister drove down for a lovely visit a few weeks ago and it was wonderful to spend time with her. She left the kids home with her husband and took her first holiday alone, ever. We had such a nice visit, I was sad to see her leave, wish she could have stayed longer.
I had a worrisome email from a friend who lives near X. She said he’d been on a piss up for several weeks concluding with a suicide attempt in June. She asked to please not mention it to him as she did not want him to think she’d been gossiping but thought I should know. After a few weeks, I dropped him an innocent email inquiring how he was doing. He wrote back saying he called the suicide help line and they suggested he go to hospital if he was sober enough to get himself there or ask some to take him. He went to hospital and stayed overnight, his mum came to pick him up the next morning. Despite his admission of being an alcoholic and trying to kill himself, he was pissed as he was writing me that email.
I wrote back telling that just becasue we broke up does not mean I don’t care what happens to him and to please please get some professional help. His response that he was a broken shell of man and why should I give a right fuck about what happens to him. That angered me. I called him immediately and proceeded to yell at him, at my expense, for nearly 20 minutes. It ended with both of us in tears.
He wrote again about a week layer saying that he is going to contact AA but currently the office was on holiday. AA on holiday?? Hmmmm. Since we seem to troll the same forums here and there I spotted a few posts he’s made about being sober for just over 2 weeks. That’s a good thing. He’s not tried to contact me again even though I asked if we could have a chat. He never responded.
I don’t know what I want. Somewhere deep inside me I hope he will recover and we can regain that which we have lost because of his drinking. It’s a false hope and I am slowly accepting it is time to completely let go and move on. It is not easy at all and I am really struggling.
I don’t know what this life has in store for me or what I am meant to do whith my time but I am determined to find out.
The search for enlightenment continues….
