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Me: So what did tall, dark and gorgeous blue eyes get you for your birthday?
Her: He brought me beautiful flowers and took me to dinner.
Me: Awwww, that’s lovely innit? So sweet.
Her: He also gave me a new dressing gown because I wear his all the time, and he also scheduled an appoinment for a bikini wax. For me, ha ha, not him.
Me: {confused silence} Ummm, have you ever HAD a bikini was before? (also thinking what the hell kind of pressie is that anyway? Hmmm, maybe it’s really a pressie for HIM)
Her: Nope, never had it done.
Me: It’s torture but the results are fab.
Her: Oh! You’ve had it done? Really? Does it hurt that much??
Me: Not if you’re a perv.
Her: {nervous laughter} ha hahah ha ha haaaaaaa ha ha ha ha
Me: Mmmm yes, let’s see if you’re still laughing next week shall we?
Music to hear, why hear’st thou music sadly?
Sweets with sweets war not, joy delights in joy.
Why lovest thou that which thou receivest not gladly,
Or else receivest with pleasure thine annoy?
If the true concord of well-tuned sounds,
By unions married, do offend thine ear,
They do but sweetly chide thee, who confounds
In singleness the parts that thou shouldst bear.
Mark how one string, sweet husband to another,
Strikes each in each by mutual ordering,
Resembling sire and child and happy mother
Who all in one, one pleasing note do sing:
Whose speechless song, being many, seeming one,
Sings this to thee: ‘thou single wilt prove none.’
W.S.Shakespeare
Him: Well, there is this bird I’ve been talking to. She’s quite an artistic person. She’s coming to see me me next week and to visit her friends. I don’t know how long she is staying.
Me: { stunned silence} ……soooo is this a romantic interest then?
Him: I Dunno
Me: {thoughts racing through my head: is she staying at your flat? is this a lover? will you be dating her now? will there ever be a chance for us again? am i crazy for being jealous? are you just doing this to get even with me? am i so self centered that i have forgotten it was all my decision? is she staying with YOU? will you make love to her?? can i get past this, ever? }
Him: So, how about you? Any news on a bloke?
Me: No.
Him: You shouldn’t have any trouble finding someone.
Me: I’m not looking.
Him: Oh.
Me: There is something I want to talk to you about but I’m not sure of this is a good time for you.
Him: Talk.
Me: I just wanted you to know that reason for me leaving was about your “problem”. Now you are getting your life together and I am happy to see things are moving in a positive direction for you. I want you to know my decision was not based on the man you are but for the behavior you exhibited due to the problem. You are a good man, a sweet man and deserve happiness. I had hoped that after some time apart and you getting yourself on the right track there would be a chance for us to try again.
Him:Thank you for saying that. It’s good to know.
Me: Do you understand what I’m saying.
Him: It’s crystal clear.
Me: Do you understand that I’m asking if there is any reason I shoud NOT hope we have another chance together?
Him: I understand. I’m trying to get my life together and right now I don’t want to make any decisions other than what is in front of me at the moment. I have some things I need to resolve but I see a possibility of a second chance.
As I continue on the search for me, I begin to understand what people mean when they say they are trying to find themselves. I am trying to find myself. Me. Not what others have made me out to be, but who I actually am. I’ve never before really considered this thought.
Who am I.
?
I can honestly say that I not completly sure who I am.
But I’m dying to find out!
When I was a wee child, Gran had a summer cottage in the countryside. There was a dairy nearby and just outside the fence alongside the road, was a little milk dispensing machine. For 25p , when mum was in a good mood, she would buy us fresh from the dairy chocolate milk from that dispenser. We’d sit in the hot car drinking down the velvety smooth treat fighting over whose turn it was to drink some more.
Across the road was a horse barn with this very old horse. He had a blonde mane and would sometimes let us pet him and eat carrots or apples from our hands. Everytime we drove by, he would whinny and shake his head up and down as if saying hello. He did this everytime a car would go by but I was sure he did this especially for me.
It was a very happy time in my childhood and the only reason it brings tears to my eyes is because I think of what could have been, instead of what was.
