My Own fault

There is a former mate, someone I met through work. He and I hit it off right at the start. We were inseparable for 10 years when all of a sudden “it” happened and the friendship ended.

I did a bad thing. He had given me his email password forever ago and I found it this evening still hiding safely where I had tucked it away. I read his email this evening. He said he was glad that I wasn’t around this year for the Christmas holiday and that he didn’t miss my company a bit. He said he was glad not to have to keep me entertained and is happy to be well rid of me.

All this time, I have been mourning the death of that friendship because I truly did love him as a friend. I feel as if I’ve been kicked in the teeth by what he said about me to another former friend (it was a package deal, I lost my four best mates in this one stupid event) and all I could think was, Why in the hell am I still feeling miserable and missing them when they are glad to have me gone? I should be rejoicing to have discovered that these people were toxic and thankful to have them out of my life.

It was also a revelation to discover that they spy on me by driving past my flat to see if I still live here (I was supposed to have moved at the beginning of August) and have been keeping tabs on me ever since “it” happened in February of this year. I was shocked.

I suppose this will change the way I deal with all the feeling I have about losing these people who were supposed to have been friends. Why couldn’t they just walk away and leave it be? It’s my own fault really. I should not have spied on him. It was really bad idea and an invasion of privacy. I’m no better than they are and it sickens me.

Quattro Stagioni

“And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to bloom” ~ Anis Nin

As I was making my way home this evening, I had a profound (for me) thought. My life, so far, has been Spring and Summer.

In my late teens and early 20’s, I was Spring. Everything was new and fresh. I was thrilled and excited at every turn by new things and discoveries I didn’t know existed. My thoughts were green and fragrant. My perception of life was budding and promising to exude the amorous scent of actualization. My emotions were like sweet afternoon rains flicking over soft heady grass pricked with dandelions. Everything was new and fresh and yearning for my attention.

In my 30’s and now early 40’s, I am Summer. The newness of Spring has worn off but the memory is persistent in all my thoughts. The hot July sun washes over my browning skin and adding tracks of crows feet across my eyes and laughter lines around my mouth just as the beauty of summer begins to scorch the grass yet, somehow, the sunflowers survive it all. My smile reflects the white stars winding their way around the night sky as Orion’s belt reminds me of the season. Excitement and surprise have begun to bloom from the bud that was Spring yet I am slightly aware Summer will end soon enough.

I wonder, what will Autumn and Winter be like for me?

On The Pull….Really.

This is a bit of a sticky wicket.  (( secretly I am laughing and blushing and loving it ))

So, the Femme Fatal rings me up at the seventh level hell (A.K.A the office) on Friday last and invites me out for a hen night. Firstly, I tell her I hate that it is called a “hen” night, it’s really condescending.  You’ll never hear a bloke say he’s off for a cocks night out.  ??? Oh…um…never mind. Perhaps I should rethink that analogy.

Anyway, the “do” is taking place at a local watering hole where not only can you be blind, foul of breath and 200 stone to pull, you just have to have an orifice of some type.  Any orifice will do.  I explain to the Femme Fatal that I really don’t think it’s my kind of thing but she quickly tells me she’ll pop round with the girls to pick me up at 8 and hangs up.

Oh crap. What do I wear.

True enough, we ended up someplace even worse than I have described above and if you’ve ever been terrified to sit your bum on a chair for fear of catching something horrible you’ll understand my hesitation to take off my coat. Luckily, one drink and we were off to a proper club. Well, it had music anyway.

There he was. Across the dance floor, staring at me. I thought he must have been looking at Tara Bigtits or Lucy Perfectbum but no, it was me! Oh Joy! I might actually end up in flagrante and have even wore my best pants! He danced over in my direction and motioned for me to join him. The girls, naturally, shoved me out onto the floor right into his arms. Me, not being quite as elegant as Grace Kelly, slid on some ice and almost took out a waitress. I’m all class me.

He must have been 15 years younger, perhaps more. The way he looked at me, the way he danced OH GOD the way he moved. How lovely.

Sigh.

It was the perfect evening…breakfast included.