23:13

So much time

wasted

on things that will never pass

conversations

about a future that will never be

listening

to words that resonate with lost meaning

~

So much time

lost

worrying about life’s pleasures

thinking

too little about what was real

laughing

over what should have been cried at

~

So little time

spent

cradeling moments of togetherness

cooing

over tenderness and mercy

soothing

a furrowed brow gritted with worry

~

Too soon

Time has taken you away from me

and too soon

I fear I shan’t recover from it

22:52

Were you here with me now

Here, in this place where I live frightened

Would I love you still

or is it only thought that holds you fast in my heart’s memory

~

Would I wish it still

To have you near and close at hand

Knowing how foolish your heart is

or is it only whimsy and folly that grip my chest in the middle of the night

~

If all the stars were to fall from the sky

Would we dance o’er them and

run into love as we did before

~

It is but foolishness that ruins my heart

and yearning for what can never be that

strips me bare before the altar of deception

Stuck

Indeed, I am like Sisyphus. I keep pushing the rock that is my life up a hill and never get anywhere.

I am stuck. Frozen in time and space. I exist on a day to day plane with no expectations, no surprises, no newness. I sleep, I wake, I work, I eat, I sleep. Five days a week. Then at the weekend I mostly don’t go out of the house, afraid of what I have become, afraid of getting attached to people, afraid to laugh, afraid to cry, afraid to live.

I feel as if this winter I live in may not ever end. I feel as though this body I live in is only a shell of it’s former self though it has grown quite a bit larger in the last 12 months. I am afraid and alone. I fear that I am beginning to enjoy the fear and the loneliness.

I so desperately want to move on yet, I can’t.  Life….it’s there, just there out of my reach. I can see it, smell it, hear it but I can’t touch it. What is holding me back? I’m searching, searching and whenI think I’ve found an asnwer I discover it’s a rouse.

I’m about to give up yet something in me won’t let that happen.

Off Line

Off Line Message from The Viking:

“Hello, 42. It’s been a long time! Are we still friends?? I hope so…..been dating a Viking woman who has a three year old son so I guess you could say I’m a stepdad of sorts. Have a job with an architect and am applying for classes to get my degree. How are you, is everything well with you??”

Damn’ him. Damn’ and blast bloody hell, DAMN’ the man. I knew, I knew, I knew he was thinking about me. I could feel it. I was having dreams about him on the day he sent that short note through messenger. I thought I’d blocked him.

Everything Viking has been turning up again, on the tele, in a bloody magazine article, in overheard casual conversations, he’s bloody everywhere in my life and I don’t know why. What is it the Universe wants of me when it comes to this man eh? I am still in love with him. It’s almost a year ago I left him and I still love him. I still yearn for his voice, his laughter, his trust. Why is this so hard, so painful for me to get over? Why can’t I move on? What is left unfinished?

It’s just that, when I was younger, love didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t have the respect for it. Now, it means more to me than ever before. Why is the memory of him still alive in my bosom. How can I possibly believe for a moment he is meant for me when he has moved on and I am stuck? How can I consider him knowing what I know? Why, at every turn, is everything about him in print, on paper, on the screen, in a book, on a bloody cell phone ringer?

I don’t understand.

Offline message response to The Viking:

“Best of luck with your courses! I hope everything turns out the way you want it to.”

What was I supposed to say??