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There I was. Bent over the boot looking for the damnable piece of paper that escaped from my portfolio earlier today when all of a sudden from behind me;
HIM: “MMM. Looking lovely as ever I see.”
ME: ::bangs head on boot and hair clips fall our making me look like the wreck of the Hesperus:: “Oh, Hi! Sorry, I didn’t see you there…erm..hear you there…ermmm….hear you come up behind me.”
HIM: No worries love. It’s good to see you. You look beautiful today.”
ME: Oh, umm…hey, thanks a lot!”
HIM: “You are very welcome. I Look forward to seeing you around.”
ME: “Oh yea, sure. Me too.”
He waves, walks off and then does that thing you only see at the cinema; he turned back for another look!
WOW
I mean, really. Wow. This bloke is A-1 very date-able. After recent events I have to admit, it was really nice to be called beautiful (( I don’t give a toss if he was only trying to pull)) and I really needed the ego boost. It happened at the bank too. Nice guy, opened the door for me and winked at me! Have I been missing this all along or have I only not noticed it?
Someone please shed a little light for me. The moment your relationship is in trouble, do prospects begin turning up almost as easy as on your door step? Really?
This would be easier than shooting ducks in a pond!.
What do you do when you find out something dark and secretive about someone in your life?
I don’t mean something tame like your dad likes to take bubble baths, but something much darker and unexpected. Something like; your significant other has been seen hanging about a brothel. I don’t mean just standing outside having a fag near where a brothel is alleged to be but actually sat in the parlor of a brothel and seen by someone you know from work who brags about his brothel visits.
What do you do?
I did what I would do. I sat him down, face to face, and told him the tale that was relayed to me and by whom. His first response was denial and ignorance but when I broke down his behavior over the last three months and explained why I felt this story was true, he slowly began to stop denying it.
You know, I could never really figure out why his last relationship didn’t work out and why his X was so bitter. Now I know. He’s a sex addict. He kept it a secret, he says, because he went through therapy and treatment years ago and really felt he had moved on and away from that behaviour. Until….”that woman” came to work in his office and started flirting intensely with him. That’s why the signals were so confusing and I didn’t latch on to what was really happening. See, this woman was cock teasing him all day then he’d come home to me and I thought “Oooo lucky me to have such a randy bloke and one who truly wants me” when actually he was just getting off because some other woman turned him on. Granted at first he came home to me so I’ll give him fair play for that. Somewhere in there though, the sexual addition reared it’s ugly head and faulted back to old behaviours.
I fell as if I’ve been duped. I feel embarrassed, insulted, confused, ANGRY, indignant, abused, hurt, and most of all I feel an idiot.
He’s in there now packing a case and going to stay with his brother for a while. I just can’t have him here, with me, in our bed, knowing what he’s been up to. He’s angry at me for not letting him get away with this because it’s an illness and I should be more understanding.
Bollocks to that!
I remember his eyes.
More than once, I caught him staring at me as he draped his arms over his wife and I rested my head in the lap of my fiancee who was his best friend. More than once, our eyes would meet and lock in some otherworldly understanding of our unspoken connection. More than once, we fantasized what it would be like if it were me his arms were draped over.
Green and fiery with a knowing gaze that bore through me, his eyes could do things to me that no man could ever do with his body. When he looked at me, I felt as if he were reading every secret thought I’ve ever had and every desire that ever blazed across my groin. He was intense and serene in a way I’ve never known before. I always knew when he was looking at me even when my back was turned. The hair on the back of my neck would stand up and I would get instantly wet.
One night, I was standing outside smoking a joint and looking at the stars. The sky was big and bright with specks of light dancing over my head and I smiled. Just then, he came outside with a whiskey in his hand and said, “Yes, lets us look at the stars and revel in their far away beauty”. He smiled at me and just as I was about to speak, suddenly we were no longer alone and the moment had passed. It wasn’t until later that I realized what he had said was meant for me, and me alone. The “far away beauty” was the thing he could never have….me.
He stood well over six feet tall was sinewy and lanky with long auburn hair and a cherubic mouth begging to be kissed and suckled and nibbled. He was a singer and played guitar and had a fascination with Tom Waits. He spoke an ancient language which made his English imperfect but somehow it sounded perfect with that heart pounding accent and smile that made me weak in the knees. When I listen to his music I can still feel his impassioned stare.
On our last parting he hugged me. It was the only time we ever had physical contact and I knew then that were I to ever have this man in my arms again I would be done for. We hung on tight for as long as we could in the presence of our significant others.
It has been three years since that embrace. He lives in the secret dark forests of far away and I live in the sunny green hillsides of everywhere else.
