Ex Men

Last week, on a day when I feeling especially shit, I bumped into an Ex. I’m pleased to say that it was not in person but on-line. I had logged in to messenger and suddenly, there he was. I was so surprised when that little window popped up with a “Hey 42! How the hell are you??” and before I even thought about it I typed a reply; “Well Fuck me running…..I can’t believe it’s you!”

Being crap at typing, I opt for voice conversation whenever possible. It was so good to hear his voice again, it’s been years. I was actually a bit stunned at my own reaction but couldn’t help myself from smiling. I forgot how much I liked his voice, his lovely accent, the depth of his tone and the way he says my name. I actually got giddy, silly as I am.

We talked for hours. I told him everything and he listened; without interruption, without judgement and patiently comforted me when I began to sob and snuffle and blow my nose and blab incoherently for 20 minutes at a time without taking a breadth. I could not believe this was the same man I once knew and accused of being the worst listener on planet earth. Wow…do people really change??

Then he told me about his life over the last few years. He had also just ended a relationship but the woman had a five year old son. They had grown very close and bonded and my Ex said something I never thought I’d hear him say, ever; “I fell in love with that little boy and it’s breaking my heart not to have him in my life”. I was speechless. I let him talk. He told me why they broke up, one of those horribly complicated stupid break ups that really didn’t need to happen but stubbornness and pride won the day. He told me how special his “step” son is and how much that little boy had changed his life, made him a better man and helped him to see his past mistakes and shortcomings all of which he is trying to atone for. He then began to apologise to me for all the shitty things he’d done to me and begged me to forgive him for his abusive verbal behaviour and his inability to take responsibility for his own life.

Unexpected!

The conversation then moved into what our plans were for future. For me, I told him, I just need to get over my recent break up and accept that this is my life for the moment but it won’t be this way forever. I told him about my new job and all my aspirations for making the world a lovely place. I could hear the smile in his voice and he listed to me wax poetic while I tried to sheen over the hurt and desperate loneliness I am living with at the moment, something I do when I am in pain.

We talked and talked and talked and it was wonderful and lightened my heart. I smiled over and over again for the first time in weeks and crying with him made me feel cleaned instead of just empty. I really needed him and somehow…I’ll say it..the Universe gave me what I needed at exactly the right moment.

We said our goodbye’s and didn’t promise to talk again or email or any other bullshit lie. I don’t expect to bump into him again.

Not all Ex’s are twats, despite what one might think.

Bubble

Lately, my personal life has been a bit dull, a bit depressing and a bit lonely.  It’s to do with losing my relationship with a man I really loved and believed I had a safe and protected future with.  I had  plans, dammit, and I’m pissed off about it. I was supposed to be moving into a handsome flat with a lovely fella over in the big city. We had it all picked out, papers were signed and ready to go. Movers were arranged and decisions made about what to take and what to bring to the local boot sale. The cat was packed up and ready to go as was I.

Instead, I opted to to cancel the lease and keep the movers on schedule. The only thing that changed was the location of the move and who was moving. Fortunate for me I found this wonderful little place up on a lovely little hill with a garden just the right size for me and Lucy the cat.

Ah well. What do you do? You unpack your boxes in your new place and have a good cry in the dark. You drink too much wine alone and play the “Drunk Dialing” game and regret it all the next morning when you receive a text message from your incredibly stupid X asking “u ok? u were drunk, u called” and all you can think is “Oh. Crap”. Bloody wine. I have a vague recollection of the conversation and I don’t think I came off well. I deleted his phone number from my mobile but little good it did me since I seem to have it memorized, even in a stupor.

I’ve locked myself away in my little house and stopped socialising. For now anyway. I just don’t want to be around people. I don’t want to fake it. If I can’t be happy and enjoy myself, I don’t want the burden of pretending to have a good time just so it makes everyone else feel less uncomfortable. Right now, I don’t have anything to prove. Having that said, it is entirely possible I could end up ass over tit in a pub this weekend with some bloke trying to outdo him in tequila shots. Bad idea. I’ve promised myself I’m going to try and NOT be overindulgent in the “Life sucks and the world hates me” department and let this pass as quietly as possible.

However.

The world hates me and this really sucks. This bubble of crap better burst soon, preferably over the X’s head.

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