We met in a very strange way and at first I wanted nothing to do with him. I thought the whole thing was weird and he was weird. I ignored as many of his phone calls as possible before I began to feel guilty and would then call him back. Conversation s were a bit strained and he talks so much I never got a word in edgeways, but the calls continued soon turning into a daily event.

Now, we talk several times a day, everyday and I have found myself, surprisingly, attracted to him and very eager to meet him in person. e says he wants to come out for Christmas and see me. Of course, this pleased me however, when the day came for him to make his flight arrangements, he sort of freaked out. He still hasn’t purchased his ticket so, I’m trying not to freak out.

See, I really want to see him and I will be more than somewhat disappointed of he doesn’t come out. So in the meanwhile, we talk on the phone and I keep praying I’m not being an idiot. Again.

“You think life goes on forever? You think behind every chance there’s another chance and another one and another? It’s the worst kind of extravagance the way you spend your chances”

I have spent so many chances that I wonder, have I spent them all? Are there no more chances in that big black bag for me? Another line from a film that has made an impression;

“Oh, no, no, dear. It’s better as it is. And I’m glad if he and Amy are learning to love each other. Oh, you’re right about one thing, though. I am lonely. And maybe if Laurie had come back, I might have said yes. Not because I love him any differently, but because, well, because it means more to me now, to be loved, than it used to”

It’s true, you know. As I’ve grown older, each year it means more to me, to be loved.  And I am alone. Friends are lovely but they are not what my soul needs and what my heart breaks for. I’ve thrown away so many chances for such foolish reasons that I don’t know if I’ll ever have another chance, deserve another chance.

I’ve been presented with another chance recently but I am so afraid. Afraid that it’s not what it seems, a REAL chance. It might be chance parading as heartbreak and I don’t know if I would survive another crack in the thinly varnished seal that is my heart. I have the same complaints and questions as anyone else in my position has about “why me” and I finally understand why they all look so broken. It’s because I am broken. I understand.

More than anything in this life, I want arms wrapped arounf me telling me it’s all going to be fine and that I am loved and that I mean more to that one person than anything else in this world.

In this, we are all united.

To be loved.

It means more to me now.

I’ve always thought that the way people appear and dis-appear from your life is like hiking; At the beginning of the path, everyone sort of starts out together going in the same direction and wanting the same goal of coming out the other side together.

Then, a little ways up the trail, someone spots something interesting they ‘d like to take a better look at and they veer off onto a different path. Soon enough, you pick up another hiker along the way and so it goes. Some walk with us only a very short way and others walk with us for a lifetime. Some we’d like to throw over the cliff.

I seem to have met a fellow hiker recently who I think I’d like try walking with for a while.